ARIZONA BAY
NOTORIOUS QUOTES
I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York: What are
y'all doin'? Talking to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm reading a
book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back East. Yeah, we're evolving. Is that the Big
One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye! (whoosh) Ha ha
ha ha! It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. It's gone. All the shitty shows are
gone, all the idiots screamin' in the fuckin' wind are dead, I love it.
Leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called . . . Arizona Bay.
I saw footage over there of the Rodney King trial.
I think I figured out why the L.A. riots occurred. Did you guys see
these cops testifyin', man? Did these guys have balls, or what, man?
These guys carry their balls in a wheelbarrow, man. . . . And I watch all the news reports, you know. "Today Officer Coon, Officer Nigger Hater and Officer Keep
Darkie Down were acquitted on all racist charges. Here's
Tom with the weather."
-- "Hi, Susie, it's 420 degrees Fahrenheit here in South Central L.A.
right now. Probably a good time to get outta the fuckin' city,
Susie. There's a gust of lead coming up Sunset."
Boy, I love talkin' about the Kennedy Assassination, man. That's my favorite
topic. You know why? . . . Because for me it's a great archetypal example of how the totalitarian
government who rules this planet partitions out information in such a
way that we, the masses, are forced to base our conclusions on erroneous-
Oh, I'm sorry, wrong meeting. I thought this was the meeting uh . . . at the docks, no? Oh, shit. That's tomorrow night.
. . . I was
just in Dallas, and uh . . . you know, you can go to the sixth floor of the
School Book Depository. . . . But
it's really weird, you can actually-- They have the windows set up to look
exactly like it did on that day, and it's really accurate, you know, 'cause
Oswald's not in it! Ha ha ha! Yeah. So, I don't know who did their research,
but I'm talkin' pains-taking detail.
. . . Bush has been
selling weapons to Iraq since whenever, and we knew that, I knew
that. During the Persian Gulf War those intelligence reports would
come in:
"Iraq. Incredible weapons, Incredible. Weapons." "How do y'all know that?"
"Well . . . we looked at the receipt. But as soon as that check
clears, we're goin' in. What time's the bank open? Eight? We're
goin' in at nine . . . for God and country, and he's a Hitler, and
hey, look! A fetus! So whatever you need, let's go! Whatever
you, the apathetic, docile masses, need to get behind. Here, here's a fetus. Come on!"
But you know, I'm just so sick of this whole deal. We arm the world, we
arm these little countries and then we send troops over to blow the shit
out of 'em, you know? We're like the, we're like the bullies of the world
right now, do you know that? We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane,
throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, mister. You'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun."
"Look, mister. I don't want no trouble. I just came to town to
get some hard rock candy for my kids and some gingham for
my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but . . . she goes
through about four or five rolls a week of that stuff. I don't want no trouble, mister."
"Pick up the gun. (three gunshots) You all saw him. He had
a gun."
You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.
While I appreciate your quaint traditions, superstitions, and you know, I, on the other hand, am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light which exists in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required. But anyway, I appreciate your little games and shit, you putting on the tie and going to church, a da-da-da-da. But you know there's a LIVNG GOD WHO WILL TALK DIRECTLY FUCKIN' TO YOU! -- sorry --not through the pages of the Bible that FORGOT TO MENTION DINOSAURS!
By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising. . . kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I'm doing. No joke here, really. Seriously, kill yourself, you have no rationalization for what you do, you are Satan's little helpers. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.
. . . saw a movie this year called Basic Instinct. Now, Bill's quick capsule review: piece of shit. Thank you. . . . Anyway, after I saw it about eight times . . . come to find out, after seeing this film, all of the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of this film because the test audience . . . was turned off by them! Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. I don't wanna seem like Randy Pan the Goatboy. . . but that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit film. Sorry. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film woulda been Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in.
. . . So I read another article in the paper, uh . . . woman is suing the state of Wisconsin. Why would anyone sue the state of Wisconsin? Well, here's why. She married a fella on Death Row. Why is he on Death Row? He killed eight women. She married him -- there's more -- he has AIDS. . . . He is on Death Row for killing eight women, he has AIDS, she married him, and is suing the state for the right . . . of conjugal visits! Now, I'm sorry to say the first thing that crossed my mind when I read that was: "And l'm not gettin' laid." Hey! What exactly are you ladies lookin' for here? These guys must've been heavy on the sense of humor thing you seem to love so much in your little ladies' polls.
I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in hell against a woman's ego, man. He'd rule the Earth for a day. A week later we'd see Satan out cuttin' the lawn.