FLYING SAUCER TOUR VOL. 1 Pittsburgh, PA 6/20/91
NOTORIOUS QUOTES
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hope you're doing well tonight. I'm glad to be here. I been on the road doing comedy now for ten years, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. Teasing. It's magic every show.
My dad: "Bill, do you have to say the F-word in your act, son? Bob Hope doesn't need to use the F-word in his act." "Yeah, well, dad, gues what. Bob Hope doesn't play the shit-holes I play, all right? You put him in some of these joints, he'll have Emmanuel Lewis and Phyllis Diller 69ing as his closer - just to get out of there alive!"
Listen, folks, the audience participation part of the show is limited to this and this only: direct "yes" and "no" answers to my questions, laughter, applause, and a blowjob from all the women afterwards. That's it. You can all relax within those parameters, I believe. Good. Glad we know the fucking schedule.
. . .People say the dumbest things, too: "Hey, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City. I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. . . . Cold turkey's hard. It's the most - It's really aggravating. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna quit gradually, and what you do to quit gradually is, I'm gonna lose one lung - and then a little while later I'm gonna lose the other one. And that's it. I feel better having a plan.
You ever watch CNN for longer than, say, 20 hours in one day? I gotta cut that out. Watch CNN. It's the most depressing thing you'll ever see, man. "WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION, WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS." Over and over again. Then you look out your window - (crickets chirping) - where's all this shit going on, man? Ted Turner is making this shit up. Jane Fonda won't sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: "By 1992 we will all die of AIDS. Read that on the air. I don't get laid, nobody gets laid."
. . . There NEVER was a war. A war is when two armies are fighting. Right there I think we can all agree. . . . Those guys were in hog heaven out there, man. They had a big weapons catalog opened up: "What's G-12 do, Tommy?" "Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth. Helps us pay for the war effort." "Well shit, pull that one up!" "Pull up G-12, please." . . . we killed 150,000 people, we lost 79 - mostly to friendly fire. Did those Army commercials even need to be aired any more? "We're the Army and we're looking for a few good- fuck, we got enough good men. Screw it! We need 80 of ya, that's it. Eighty of ya and that weapons catalog."
Y'all are about to win the election as the worst fucking audience I've ever faced. Ever. Ever. EVER! S'all right. S'all right. No, listen folks. Here's the deal. I know you're getting concerned. Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way. Relax, I'm a professional.
I don't get along with anything, I really don't. I'm just - I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.
Swear to God, I woke up in the best mood. Happened to be 8 p.m., but - you really manage professional wrestlers? Why the thumb?
Later on we're gonna play putt-putt golf up here, so get ready. I'm going to be the windmill.
Are you from Pittsburgh? Very beautiful town. What do you do here? Student! Very good. And where do you study? Cornell? Cool. What're you majoring in? Psychology. Bet you're having a field day watching this shit, aren't ya? "See, he talked about fucking young kids in the ass, he smoked 20 cigarettes in a row. I think I'm gonna do a thesis on this guy. Fuck it. Can I get some more napkins, waitress? I'm writing something here."
I don't drink, uh, I don't do drugs. I wanna thank management for offering, but -
. . . I have had seven balls of light come off a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there's no such thing as death, but I have never looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain - not once. Now, maybe I wasn't getting good shit. I admit it - I see that commercial, I feel cheated. Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? Did I quit too soon?
Thank God they're taxing alcohol, man. It means we have those great roads we can get fucked up and drive on. . . . I have some more news to tell you, folks, and it's not popular news, but once again, it's the fucking truth! Ready? . . . Alcohol's a drug. . . . Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke, and heroin combined each year. . . . So thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den here tonight, you hypocritical scum-sucking pieces of shit, you. . . . What does that mean, psychologist? Have you gotten that far yet? A man FILLED TO THE FUCKING BRIM WITH PURE, WHITE HATRED! Do I fall under the fucking Manson category yet?
Pot is a better drug than alcohol. FACT! I'll prove it to ya. You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smoking pot? (Audience: "Drunk!") Drunk would be the one and only correct answer, thank you very much. Drunk would be the ONE and only correct answer. I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it's fucking impossible. "Hey buddy!" "Hey what?" End of argument.
. . . To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake. You know what I mean? It's like God on the seventh day looked down on His creation and he said "There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest - oh my Me! I left fucking pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. Shit! Now I have to create Republicans."
I'm amusing people one at a time here tonight. This is unique. I'm amazed at the restraint of the rest of you till your time comes up. You're really patient.
I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!
I have had bad times on drugs. One time me and three friends dropped acid, drove 'round in my dad's car. He's got one of those talking cars. We're tripping. The car goes: "The door is ajar." We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. "How can a door be a jar?" "Shit, I don't know, but I see it." "I see it, too. . . .What's that?" "That's an egg! Oh, great! We're not that high yet. When this turns into a brain, we're getting a hotel room. . . ."
My point is I was not a criminal when I did drugs, no more 'n you're a criminal 'cause you're drinking a beer. People who do drugs are not criminals. They might be sick, but I don't think jail is gonna heal 'em. . . . 'kay, America? Wake up from your law enforcement fucking fantasy and shut up. It ain't gonna work, 'kay? It's not gonna work. So let's move on to a plan that might work. Isn't that simple? Feels good, too, don't it?
One more thing about drugs and I'm gonna quit the drug topic, and we're that much closer to the dick jokes. OK. Um - and you don't hear this enough, either, and I gotta say it: drugs have done good things for us. Yeah. And if you don't believe they have, I want you to do me a favor. Go home tonight, take all your albums, your tapes and your CDs, and burn them. 'Cause you know what? The musicians who made that great music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs.
Let me ask you a quick question: why does Taco Bell have a fucking menu? Do ya need this? I mean, just go up to the counter. The guy should go: "How do you want your beans and flour arranged?" "I want mine to look like a taco." "I want mine to look like a churrito." It's like the Playdoh of fast food . . .
. . . my girlfriend hated those porno movies. . . . I'll be watching one, she'll come home: "That woman's not enjoyin' that. She is not enjoyin' that." I'm going: "Well, honey, she's got a pretty big grin on her face and we know she's not a good actress." But her attitude - I guess a lot of women's attitudes - is that those movies are degrading to women. And I say: "Pfft, look at the guys! Are they exalted? I couldn't make a face like that if a car ran over my foot. She looks great. He looks like a doofus!"
Well, folks, I want to thank you for being here for the recording of my live comedy album. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later. Why pressure ourselves? I did a little longer than I was supposed to do. The reason is I always do long shows when I'm in Pittsburgh, 'cause I know for a fact there's nothing else going on here.