satirist, social critic, stand-up comedian

B I L L  H I C K S

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"[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'" ~Bill Hicks

"That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one." ~Bill Hicks

"When you're high you can do everything you normally do just as well -- you just realize...it's not worth the fuckin' effort." ~Bill Hicks

"To me pornography is...spending all your money & not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons." ~Bill Hicks

"Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin combined...so thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den." ~Bill Hicks

"I am available for children's parties, by the way...Beelzebozo, clown from Hell. It's in the phone book under 'B' and 'H'." ~Bill Hicks

"'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style." ~Bill Hicks

"...There NEVER was a war. A war is when TWO armies are fighting. Right there I think we can all agree..." ~Bill Hicks

"'Oh, childbirth is such a miracle.'...Wrong!...A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth." ~Bill Hicks

"Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to." ~Bill Hicks

"Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?" ~Bill Hicks

"'We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!'...Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only your dignity. Suck it!" ~Bill Hicks

"I love watching...that all-terrain Popemobile with the 3 ft of bulletproof Plexiglass around him. Boy, there's faith in action." ~Bill Hicks

"You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring." ~Bill Hicks

"Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!" ~Bill Hicks

"Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes are demons...loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God" ~Bill Hicks

"Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'." ~Bill Hicks

"That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama." ~Bill Hicks

"People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?" ~Bill Hicks

"Waitress comes over to me: 'What you readin' for?' I said...I guess I read...so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress!" ~Bill Hicks

"I am a misanthropic humanist....Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.'' ~Bill Hicks

"I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more." ~Bill Hicks

"England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But--there's no connection..." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't wanna pick it up, mister; you'll shoot me." ... "PICK UP THE GUN!" (3 gunshots) "YOU ALL SAW HIM, HE HAD A GUN." ~Bill Hicks

"Good evening. How are you tonight? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to 'No Sympathy Night.' Welcome to 'You're Wrong Night'." ~Bill Hicks

"It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick." ~Bill Hicks

"The Voice of Reason is in us all and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally." ~Bill Hicks

"It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung." ~Bill Hicks

"Comedy is a double-edged sword; on 1 hand no 1 gives U any flak because...it's all a joke. On the other hand, it's not a joke." ~Bill Hicks

"I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'" ~Bill Hicks

"It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet..." ~Bill Hicks

"Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve..." ~Bill Hicks

"You know what I hate about working? Bosses. The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well--I think you see the conflict." ~Bill Hicks

"S. G.'s warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined to cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now...Cigarettes didn't kill me. A bunch of nonsmokers kicked the shit out of me one night." ~Bill Hicks

"So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever." ~Bill Hicks '92

"Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour, appearing in small Southern towns in front of handfuls of hillbillies." ~Bill Hicks

"....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week." ~Bill Hicks

"You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America." ~Bill Hicks

"...Recording an album tonight and tomorrow...Don't worry. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later..." ~Bill Hicks

"Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and end of story." ~Bill Hicks

"I hope you know this; I think you do--all governments are lying cocksuckers. Hope you know that. Good. All right." ~Bill Hicks

"The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!" ~Bill Hicks

"Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?" ~Bill Hicks

"You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent & aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or...smoking pot?" ~Bill Hicks

"If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind." ~Bill Hicks

"I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it." ~Bill Hicks

"...Intelligence reports would come out 'Iraq--incredible weapons...' How do you know that? "Uh--we looked at the receipt." ~Bill Hicks

"All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real." ~Bill Hicks

"Christianity's such an odd religion...eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love...Believe or die!" ~Bill Hicks

"Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth...Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer." ~Bill Hicks

"You think when Jesus comes back he wants to see a fucking cross? Kinda like going up to Jackie O. with a rifle pendant on." ~Bill Hicks

"I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'..." ~Bill Hicks

"I left in love, in laughter and in truth, and wherever love, laughter and truth abide, I will be there in spirit." ~Bill Hicks

"I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country. It's us. That's why they...keep you afraid...impotent." ~Bill Hicks

"I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego..." ~Bill Hicks

"Let's figure out this food/air deal, OK? 'K. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come TO?" ~Bill Hicks

"All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'" ~Bill Hicks

"Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way." ~Bill Hicks

"I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet." ~Bill Hicks

"Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment & a better way of life?" ~Bill Hicks

"I'm amusing people one at a time here tonight...I'm amazed at the restraint of the rest of you till your time comes up." ~Bill Hicks

"I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs." ~Bill Hicks

"Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts. Sounds like almost every commercial on TV..." ~Bill Hicks

"We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it." ~Bill Hicks

"...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all." ~Bill Hicks

"This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious..." ~Bill Hicks

"There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue--those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS--but they remain strangely silent..." ~Bill Hicks

"It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones." ~Bill Hicks

"There's a Living God who will talk directly fuckin' to you...not thru the pages of the Bible that forgot to mention dinosaurs!" ~Bill Hicks

"I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for." ~Bill Hicks

"Blow up the arms dealers! How could that possibly help? ...We'll save petrol. Our planes can drop their bombs on take-off." ~Bill Hicks

"We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years." ~Bill Hicks

"There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy...Oh my, Me!...I left fucking pot everywhere...Now I have to create Republicans." ~Bill Hicks

"What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?..." ~Bill Hicks

"
Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up." ~Bill Hicks

"What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One? You can see why the government's cracking down." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being." ~Bill Hicks

"Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid." ~Bill Hicks

"I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy." ~Bill Hicks

"People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen ... We're a virus with shoes. OK?" ~Bill Hicks

"I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells..." ~Bill Hicks

"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift." ~Bill Hicks

"Audience participation is limited to answers to my questions, laughter, applause & a blowjob from all the women afterward." ~Bill Hicks

"Did you watch the flag-burning thing?...People were just 'Hey, buddy...My daddy died for that flag'...Really?...I bought mine." ~Bill Hicks

"Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is - and it is - it is merely a ride..." ~Bill Hicks

"I don't drink, uh, I don't do drugs. I wanna thank management for offering, but..." ~Bill Hicks

"Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him?" ~Bill Hicks

"In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night" ~Bill Hicks

"Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour." ~Bill Hicks

"I have NEVER seen people on pot get in a fight- because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. - "Hey buddy!" 'Hey what?' "Hey." 'Hey.'" ~Bill Hicks

"Improv--what a fucking morgue!" ~Bill Hicks

"I stole [Denis Leary's] act. I camouflaged it with punchlines and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did." ~Bill Hicks

"Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight." ~Bill Hicks

"Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves--After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do." ~Bill Hicks

"Drugs that open your eyes make you realize how you're being fucked every day of your life. Those drugs are against the law." ~Bill Hicks

"I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man. Makes me fucking sick. It's a round world last time I checked, OK?" ~Bill Hicks

"You know what I think cruel is? Leaving loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room--Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies!" ~Bill Hicks

"By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising ... kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds..." ~Bill Hicks

"16 years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level." ~Bill Hicks

"I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties." ~Bill Hicks

"I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs, including alcohol...or shut the fuck up!" ~Bill Hicks

"We are one with God & He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country...how we gonna keep buildin' nuclear weapons?" ~Bill Hicks

"I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest." ~Bill Hicks