RANT IN E-MINOR
NOTORIOUS QUOTES
Well, folks, this is kind of a sentimental evening for me because ... this is my final live performance I'll ever do ... ever. ... I've been doing this sixteen years, enjoyed every second of it -- every plane flight, every ... delay, every cancelled flight, every lost luggage, living in hotel rooms, every broken relationship, playing in the Comedy Pouch in Possum Ridge, Arkansas, every fucking year. It's been great, don't get me wrong.
... the reason I'm gonna quit performing is I finally got my own TV show coming out next fall on CBS ... it's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled "Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus. ... and we'll be back in '95 with "Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton."
I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious and making us pay a higher psychic price than we imagine. ... the guy at CBS said "Will there be titty?" and I said, "Sure, I don't know, sure." Boom! A check falls in my lap and I'm a producer.
I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus -- by telling our children a giant bunny-rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. ... Why not a goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer, you know? ... At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back, going across the floor to your sock drawer, has a miraculous connotation to it.
People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen. Give me a fucking Etch-A-Sketch, I'll do it in three minutes to prove the fact, the factorum, I'll show my work, case closed. ... We're a virus with shoes, OK? That's all we are.
You know -- I feel like I'm losing some of you here and I wanna win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child-killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. ... I've never seen an issue so divisive. ... Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna come to a consensus?