RELENTLESS (audio)
NOTORIOUS QUOTES
How you doin' folks? Me too. You gotta bear with me. I'm very tired of - very tired of traveling, and very tired doing comedy, and very tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening.
I learned something very important watching that Clarence Thomas hearing, and d'you know what I learned? I don't stand a fuckin' chance. Don't even call the committee to order. It'd be a real short hearing: "Mr. Hicks, are you familiar at all with the video series called Clam-Lappers, Volumes 1 through 90?" "All of them? I don't recall." . . . pornography's gotten a really bad name in our country, and I'd like to state for the record right now - I love pornography. Love it. . . . For the record. "Mr. Hicks, thank you for your testimony. I don't know if we have a place for ya right now on the Supreme Court, but boy, you ever thought about becoming a Senator? . . .
So, it's good to be here, wherever I am.
It's just so scary watching the news, how they built it all out of proportion. Like Iraq was ever, or could ever, possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a threat to us - whatsoever. But watching the news you never woulda got that idea. Remember how it started? They kept talking about the Elite Republican Guard in these hushed tones? . . . Yeah, well after two months of continuous carpet-bombing and not one reaction at all from them, they became simply the Republican Guard. . . . And after another month of bombing they went from the Elite Republican Guard, to the Republican Guard, to the Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there.
. . . England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns - whoo! I'm gettin' a stiffy! - 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a comunist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. . . . OK, though admittedly last year in England they had 23,000 deaths per soccer game. . . .
. . . I tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies, or whatever they come from, to visit us, and always end up in places like Fyffe, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man. Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Joad Family or something.
I don't care what you believe, but you've got to admit beliefs are odd. You know what I mean? You have to admit that. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know?
. . . "Aww, Bill. Terminally ill people as stuntmen? That's cruel!" You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? . . . She's out of her misery; you've seen the greatest film of all time. I'm still feeling some resistance here. What's up?
Nonsmokers - this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? . . . And you know what doctors say? "Shit, if only you smoked - we'd have the technology to help you." It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man: oxygen tent, iron lung.
Some of y'all might remember me as a drinker, uh - I was a weekend drinker, you know. I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday, and, uh - thought I was controlling it there, but - I don't drink anymore. I don't do drugs any more either than, I'd say, the average funk band, if I had to add it up. . . .
Why did I quit? Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO it's kinda hard to top that, all right? You know, they have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Aliens Anonymous. Tell you what, though, going to AA meetings - which I have to do - but, uh, going there and hearing people talk about their fucking booze stories, you know. I'm sitting there - "You know, I love the taste of gin; it's just so good." "Fuck you, I've been on a UFO. Fuck off! I went drinking with aliens, you fucker! Shut up!" "I lost my wife." "I LOST AN ALIEN CULTURE WHO WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE PLANET ARCTURUS. FUCK YOU!" I mean, I don't know if I've gotten the resentment, you know, forgiveness part down in the program, but - one day at a time.
I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. That rang true, now. I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, 'cause - I hope you know this; I think you do - all governments are lying cocksuckers. Hope you know that. Good. All right.
. . . "We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!" Luckily Satan's dick has many heads, so all these little demon piglets can nuzzle up and suckle all at once. Here comes a fella named Vanilla Ice. Here comes MC Hammer. Here's Madonna with two heads. Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only you're dignity. Suck it! It's only your dignity! Suck it! . . . I am available for children's parties, by the way.
To me, pornography is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons. That's pornographic to me.
. . . "Oh, childbirth is such a miracle. It's such a miracle." Wrong! No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. You know what a miracle is? A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater.