B I L L   H I C K S


Satirist, Social Critic, Stand-Up Comedian

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"A psychedelic experience...does make you realize everything you learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily true." ~Bill Hicks"Alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin combined...so thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den." ~Bill Hicks"All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'" ~Bill Hicks"....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week." ~Bill Hicks"All your beliefs, they're just that. They're nothing. They're how you were taught and raised. That doesn't make 'em real." ~Bill Hicks"Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs...shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a 'well-regulated militia'?" ~Bill Hicks"Audience participation...is limited to...answers to my questions, laughter, applause and a blowjob from all the women afterward"~Bill Hicks"Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour--appearing in small Southern towns--in front of handfuls of hillbillies." ~Bill Hicks"Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern." ~Bill Hicks"Blow up the arms dealers! How could that possibly help? Well...we'll save petrol. Our planes can drop their bombs on take-off." ~Bill Hicks"By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising ... kill yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds..." ~Bill Hicks"Christianity's such an odd religion...eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love...Believe or die!" ~Bill Hicks"[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'" ~Bill Hicks"Comedy is a double-edged sword; on 1 hand no 1 gives U any flak because...it's all a joke. On the other hand, it's not a joke." ~Bill Hicks"Did you watch the flag-burning thing?...People were just 'Hey, buddy...My daddy died for that flag'...Really?...I bought mine." ~Bill Hicks"Do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call, every word you say is suspect, you're a corporate whore and end of story." ~Bill Hicks"Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is - and it is - it is merely a ride..." ~Bill Hicks"Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him?" ~Bill Hicks"Drugs that open your eyes...make you realize how you're being fucked every day of your life. Those drugs--are against the law." ~Bill Hicks"Dude, can I bum a cigarette from you, man? I'm trying to quit buying...50 years of smoking? You're giving me fucking hope!" ~Bill Hicks"England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But--there's no connection..." ~Bill Hicks"God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality." ~Bill Hicks"Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer." ~Bill Hicks"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is William Melvin Hicks. Thanks Dad." ~Bill Hicks, Austin, Texas 1983"Good evening. How are you tonight? Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to 'No Sympathy Night.' Welcome to 'You're Wrong Night'." ~Bill Hicks"Here's what causes sexual thoughts...having a dick...In the course of our day ANYTHING can cause a sexual fucking thought." ~Bill Hicks"How come Keith Richards still walks? Explain that ... You never hear the Surgeon General mention Keith, do ya?" ~Bill Hicks"How many disapprove of Bush--70 percent...How many'll vote for him--70 percent...Where'd they take that poll? Some S+M parlor?" ~Bill Hicks"I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required." ~Bill Hicks"I am a misanthropic humanist....Do I like people? They're great, IN THEORY.'' ~Bill Hicks"I am available for children's parties, by the way...Beelzebozo, clown from Hell. It's in the phone book under 'B' and 'H'." ~Bill Hicks"I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world." ~Bill Hicks"I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift." ~Bill Hicks"I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us...to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells..." ~Bill Hicks"I can't understand a word they say, yet we're all speaking English...they all sound like little birds tweeting to me." ~Bill Hicks on Brits"I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind's sole purpose on this planet." ~Bill Hicks"I don't care if you're obscene, filthy, horrendous -- as long as you're honest." ~Bill Hicks"I don't drink, uh, I don't do drugs. I wanna thank management for offering, but..." ~Bill Hicks"I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being." ~Bill Hicks"I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for." ~Bill Hicks"I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks. Just one thing I know for sure, Chicks Dig Jerks. Ow!" ~Bill Hicks"I don't wanna pick it up, mister; you'll shoot me." ... "PICK UP THE GUN!" (3 gunshots) "YOU ALL SAW HIM, HE HAD A GUN." ~Bill Hicks"I go to dance clubs...about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'" ~Bill Hicks"I hate patriotism. I can't stand it, man. Makes me fucking sick. It's a round world last time I checked, OK?" ~Bill Hicks"I have NEVER seen people on pot get in a fight- because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. - "Hey buddy!" 'Hey what?' "Hey." 'Hey.'" ~Bill Hicks"I hope you know this; I think you do--all governments are lying cocksuckers. Hope you know that. Good. All right." ~Bill Hicks"I left in love, in laughter and in truth, and wherever love, laughter and truth abide, I will be there in spirit." ~Bill Hicks"I love watching...that all-terrain Popemobile with the 3 ft of bulletproof Plexiglass around him. Boy, there's faith in action."~Bill Hicks"I love talking about Kennedy assassination...a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government...sorry, wrong meeting." ~Bill Hicks"I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs." ~Bill Hicks"I stole [Denis Leary's] act. I camouflaged it with punchlines and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did." ~Bill Hicks"I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York...Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye!" ~Bill Hicks"I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more." ~Bill Hicks"I was always 'awake'...Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place." ~Bill Hicks, Feb. 7, 1994"I was born William Melvin Hicks on December 16, 1961 in Valdosta, Georgia. Ugh--Melvin Hicks from Georgia. Yee Har!" ~Bill Hicks"I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties." ~Bill Hicks"I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it." ~Bill Hicks"I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego..." ~Bill Hicks"I, like all artists in Western cultures, am a shaman...come in the guise of a comic...to heal perception by using...'jokes'..." ~Bill Hicks"I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties." ~Bill Hicks"I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps." ~Bill Hicks"I'll see you all in Heaven, where we can really share a great laugh together...forever and ever...and ever. With love, Bill Hicks.""I'll tell you who the threat to the status quo is in this country. It's us. That's why they...keep you afraid...impotent." ~Bill Hicks"I'm amusing people one at a time here tonight...I'm amazed at the restraint of the rest of you till your time comes up." ~Bill Hicks"I'm an American who loves an America which doesn't exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas." ~Bill Hicks"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now...Cigarettes didn't kill me. A bunch of nonsmokers kicked the shit out of me one night." ~Bill Hicks"I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs, including alcohol...or shut the fuck up!" ~Bill Hicks"I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth." ~Bill Hicks"I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious..." ~Bill Hicks"I'm kind of bummed because I'm missing right now ... my favorite cultural train wreck: 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno'". ~Bill Hicks"I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! You go up to crippled people dancin', too, you fucks?" ~Bill Hicks"I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic--uh...I'm not sorry if you're offended...just the fact that you're Catholic." ~Bill Hicks"I'm talking metaphorically about America, all right? Not y'all. I give y'all more credit. I assume that you're enjoying this." ~Bill Hicks"I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy." ~Bill Hicks"I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death." ~Bill Hicks"If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind." ~Bill Hicks"Improv--what a fucking morgue!" ~Bill Hicks"In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night"~Bill Hicks"...Intelligence reports would come out 'Iraq--incredible weapons...' How do you know that? "Uh--we looked at the receipt." ~Bill Hicks"Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?" ~Bill Hicks"Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve..." ~Bill Hicks"It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party." ~Bill Hicks"It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones." ~Bill Hicks"It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick." ~Bill Hicks"It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet..." ~Bill Hicks"It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung." ~Bill Hicks"Jesus--murdered. Martin Luther King--murdered. Gandhi--murdered. Malcolm X--murdered. Reagan--wounded." ~Bill Hicks"Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier." ~Bill Hicks"Let me assure you right now: there are dick jokes on the way." ~Bill Hicks"Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that." ~Bill Hicks"Let's figure out this food/air deal, OK? 'K. I'm just weird, you know? How about have a neat world for kids to come TO?" ~Bill Hicks"...love rather than fear...this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope...surely there is hope for us all." ~Bill Hicks"Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'." ~Bill Hicks"Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?" ~Bill Hicks"McDonald's, it'll supply 40 new jobs there in Moscow." Yeah, 20 dentists and 20 heart specialists. It's shit. Don't eat it." ~Bill Hicks"Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!" ... "That's the story of Jesus." ~Bill Hicks"Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour." ~Bill Hicks"Nonsmokers--this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight." ~Bill Hicks"Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you." ~Bill Hicks"'Oh, childbirth is such a miracle.'...Wrong!...A miracle's raising a kid who doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater." ~Bill Hicks"Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much." ~Bill Hicks"On we traveled till the Earth was just a dot...and we were on our way to our NEW life and NEW HAPPINESS." ~Bill Hicks, December 1993"Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do." ~Bill Hicks"People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?" ~Bill Hicks"People are bringing SHOTGUNS to UFO sightings...brings a whole new meaning to that phrase 'You ain't from around here, ar'ya?'" ~Bill Hicks"People suck and that's my contention. I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen ... We're a virus with shoes. OK?" ~Bill Hicks"Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me."~Bill Hicks"...Recording an album tonight and tomorrow...Don't worry. Funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later..." ~Bill Hicks"Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!" ~Bill Hicks"Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes--are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!"~Bill Hicks"Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid." ~Bill Hicks"Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level." ~Bill Hicks"So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever." ~Bill Hicks 1992"Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to." ~Bill Hicks"Surgeon General's warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority." ~Bill Hicks"That's starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies...and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama." ~Bill Hicks"That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one." ~Bill Hicks"The CIA has a plot...they've used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem...is convincing Hussein...to fly to Dallas." ~Bill Hicks"The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey...there's one guy holding up both!" ~Bill Hicks"The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally." ~Bill Hicks"There ain't no one out there who's a fucking threat to us, OK?...Oh, I'm talking now only of countries we don't arm first." ~Bill Hicks"There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue--those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS--but they remain strangely silent..."~Bill Hicks"There it is, My creation. Perfect and holy...Oh my, Me!...I left fucking pot everywhere...Now I have to create Republicans." ~Bill Hicks"...There NEVER was a war. A war is when TWO armies are fighting. Right there I think we can all agree..." ~Bill Hicks"There's a Living God who will talk directly fuckin' to you...not thru the pages of the Bible that forgot to mention dinosaurs!" ~Bill Hicks"There's too many fucking people in the world. Quit rutting. Let's work out this food/air deal. Then go back to your rutting." ~Bill Hicks"This is the idea that has made me...an anonymous figure in America...If you have children here tonight...they are NOT special."~Bill Hicks"To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake." ~Bill Hicks"To me pornography is...spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons." ~Bill Hicks"Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television." ~Bill Hicks"Waitress comes over to me: 'What you readin' for?' I said...I guess I read...so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress!"~Bill Hicks"'Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.'...Found MY brand! Just don't get the ones that say 'lung cancer.'"~Bill Hicks"We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn't a hazard to this country--How're we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?"~Bill Hicks"We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad...that's a little bit overdoing it." ~Bill Hicks"We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years." ~Bill Hicks"'We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!'...Suckin' Satan's pecker. Suck it! It's only your dignity. Suck it!" ~Bill Hicks"What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all." ~Bill Hicks"What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?..." ~Bill Hicks"What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis, not the young, cool guy..." ~Bill Hicks"What's gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we're all One?...You can see why the government's cracking down." ~Bill Hicks"When you're high you can do everything you normally do just as well -- you just realize...it's not worth the fuckin' effort." ~Bill Hicks"When you're...stepping over a guy on the sidewalk...does it ever occur to you to think, 'Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?'" ~Bill Hicks"'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style." ~Bill Hicks"Will there be titty?" "Sure." Boom! I'm a producer. "Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood." ~Bill Hicks"Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up." ~Bill Hicks"Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me." ~Bill Hicks"You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands & feet."~Bill Hicks"You know what I hate about working? Bosses...The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well...I think you see the conflict." ~Bill Hicks"You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room--Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies!"~Bill Hicks"You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kinda like going up to Jackie O. with a rifle pendant on."~Bill Hicks"You want a better world...? Legalize pot right now. ...end the deficit? Legalize pot right now...biggest cash crop in America." ~Bill Hicks"You're in a ballgame or a concert and someone's really violent and aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or...smoking pot?" ~Bill Hicks"You're not a human till you're in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring." ~Bill Hicks